Touch God

Loiuis CK: I was raised Catholic until I was 10, and the I quit, because my parents let me. But I was always amazed.. I don't really know anything about the Catholic church. It's an enormous institution, totally mystery. So I just went out, and found out everything I could about the Catholic church, and what's it's all about.

L (narrating): I started here, at the arch diasces of New York. I just walked in the door and started asking questions. Without much effort, I was given an interview with Father Ike Mcreedy, spokesperson for the arch diasces.

L: Uh, so.. what is the Catholic church? What are you all about?

Father: Okay. The Catholic church is an ancient, worldwide organization dedicated to the constant goal of fucking young boys.

L : Really?

Father: Sure.

L: Wow.

Father: I thought everybody knew that...

L: I thought that the point of the church was to worship God, and the boy fucking was incidental.

Father: No, it's just the other way around. The point of the church is the boy fucking. All the other stuff is just busywork.

L: Okay, so.. how does it work?

Father: Well, you stick your dick up their ass..

L: No, no.. I mean, as an organization.. why do you need a whole church just to do... that.

Father: .. You see, you can't just go around fucking boys in the street. People get mad. So what we do is build churches around the world, and tell people that they have to pray and give us their money, while they'll go straight to hell. Now that gives us the authority and the gravitas to control their lives, and most importantly, to give us their boys. So we can educate them, feel them, and ultimately fuck them in their ass and face. And it's tax deductible.

L (narrating): I was very surprised to find out that the Catholic church exists solely for the purpose of boy rape. But as I did some research, I found out that it's true! I contacted the Vatican for verification, and received this statement from the pope himself.

L (reading note): "We at the Catholic church fuck boys all day long. That's all we ever do. Signed, the Pope."

L (narrating): I learned that the catholic church is funded by a simple grassroots system. People come to the church, they give money, and that money is collected all over the world to finance the Catholic legal defense fund, and to buy millions of cans of Crisco.

L (narrating): Father Mccreedy shows me how the catholic church is constantly refining their boy fuck techniques.

L: So what are all these people doing?

F: THis is the situation room. This is where we keep track of all the molestant priests all around the world, and move them from place to place so they won't get caught.

Worker: Father Geegan, you are free to ass rape a male child in sector 649, good day.

L: Is there a reason why you do this?

F: Purity.

L: Purity?

F: You see, the boys come to us, and they are pure. We fuck the boys, and take the purity into ourselves. And then the next time we defecate, we create what's called a "Purity Brick".

L: A Purity Brick? What do you do with all these bricks?

F: We bring it to this paper plant. Crush them into mulch, and that's how we make bibles.

L: So you're telling me that all Catholic bibles are printed on paper are made from shit of priests who fuck kids in the ass?

F: That's it in a nutshell. Yes!

L: Wow, that is so interesting.

F: Well, the lord moves in mysterious ways.

L: So are there any boys that you guys have not fucked?

F: Were you raised Catholic?

L: Yes.

F: And were you fucked by a priest when you were a boy?

L: No, I don't think so.. Wait. No wait, I was. I guess I was!

F: We're very thorough.

L: Hehh, yeahh... Let me ask you one more question.

F: Shoot.

L: Is it wrong to fuck boys?

F: Of course not. If it was wrong, don't you think that God would put a stop to it?

L: Hmm..

F: I'm just teasing you. There's no god.

on youtube: [link]